Will the real Kris J please stand up

        It's been 6 years since I've written a blog so some of you reading this might not have even known me 6 years ago. The one thing I'll say is that I'm honest in my writing which tends to lead to either really long entries or maybe some oversharing. But oversharing is something I've become aware of within the last few years so I'm going to try not to do that. However, I will say that so much has changed in the last 6 years.
       I still live in Arizona but I have a completely different life than I did 6 years ago. I now live in Gilbert instead of Peoria. Gone are the days of being next to the Padres and Mariners' Spring Training Facilities. Now I'm near the Cubs, Athletics and Angels.
        I also had a brief career as a ballroom dance instructor which changed my life in more ways than I can count. I met some of the most amazing people for starters. I also learned to dance and how to teach dance. I found out how much I enjoyed teaching which might take me on my next career journey (only time will tell). There's so much about what the dance studio and my time there meant to me that I could write about, but I believe that will turn into oversharing.
        Today I want to take you on my more recent journey and my battles with depression and just what has been going on inside of me so my friends who take the time to read this will see me as more of a human instead of an amazing demigod with the smile to charm millions (joking).
       If you were to ask any of my core friends from high school if I had depression, they would tell you it's obvious. And frankly I would be in agreement. I've known that I've suffered from depression for over a decade now. But unfortunately some things really triggered it and made it worse and I could no longer keep it to myself. If affected my family and those who were close to me. Sometimes I don't want to share that I have depression. It makes people treat you differently. I've noticed it with the way people ask "How are you doing"? The people that ask me have a different tone in their voice that indicates a small amount of worry. And there's certainly nothing wrong with worrying about me. If you're somebody who has worried about me, I thank you for caring! But it's no longer just a throw away line in a conversation. People feel like they need to know how I'm really doing which is sometimes hard for me to share because rarely do I feel "good," but that's usually the answer that comes out of my mouth. My pen pals on the other hand have certainly heard answers other than "good."
        I'm quite far from good. And it's a road that I am still learning to navigate. I am seeing a psychiatrist. I'm working on making myself better. But I've never felt more alone in my life. And for those of you who reach out, that is definitely not a dig at you. I will forever appreciate all who reach out. But I still struggle with feeling alone and loneliness. If you have known me for a long time, there's no doubt you've seen my faux arrogance. Nobody can touch the "Heart Break Kid." I could pretend to look down on anybody, but with a charisma and sense of silliness that makes it charming. But inside I am broken and alone and that side is starting to show so much more these days. Whether it's my parents or my good friends, I will often hear how I'm kind, a good person, charismatic, funny, attractive, a good listener, a good communicator, talented, etc. But the sad part is I know all that. I'm aware of all my talents and what I can bring to the table. But it doesn't make me feel better. I don't know how to fix myself. All I know is that I don't want to be alone. And I know that's hard for some people. It puts a lot of pressure on those who let me get close to them. But nobody wants that kind of person in their life. Someone who doesn't want to be alone. The world wants individuals who can be individuals. And although I can be an individual, I'd much rather be part of a team. I would always rather give my love, my burdens, my joys and sorrows to someone else rather than feel all of those things by myself. But right now I am by myself. And I somehow have to learn how to deal with that for the rest of my life. Although my nickname is the Heart Break Kid, I am one heart broken kid and I've given up on the dating scene. I'm prepared to be by myself, as much as it's not how I want things to be. [That being said, please don't tell me to go on dates and meet people]. I'm not avoiding the dating scene to avoid being hurt. I'm simply done with it. My life can only head in a direction that is just for me right now.
        If you couldn't tell by now there's a lot of heart aches that I've gone through since the last time I wrote but that might just have to be a blog for another day.
       For those of you who reach out after reading this, I appreciate you. And I will always answer and be as honest as I can. But the answers I'm looking for in life are more than any of my friends seem to know how to give. I need to find a career path. I need to find happiness. And most of all, I need to find Kris. I feel like I've lost all sense of Kris. I want to be able to bring out the old, fun, Kris. I've talked to more than one friend who says I'm 100% different from who I used to be. And although there's some positives (I don't swear, drink, have mean humor,) I can tell that they also mean my zest for life, my socializing, and my charisma all got put on a shelf somewhere. And I don't know how to find that.
        I won't take another 6 years to write a blog, but if you read this all the way through, thank you. If you want to talk about my blog post, please message me privately. I wish everyone reading this the best day and every happiness.
-HBK