How do I get there?

So, I don't really know what I'm going to write about yet. I'm writing because I like to write 2 blogs a month so the people that might actually read about me, feel like they're not being let down and they can stay updated on me.
The biggest change in my life since I last wrote a blog is that Danielle is back in California. She's in Anaheim which is pretty much an hour away from where I live, but it's seriously so easy to drive there compared to when she and I lived five hours away. I'm stoked about it. I've never had a better girlfriend. Ever. Nobody has even come close. She treats me so well and makes me so happy. It's pretty great. Nowadays she's working back at Disneyland at Redd Rocket's Pizza Port. If you're in there and you see a tall, beautiful girl, that's my girlfriend!
My niece Ava started first grade last week. I can't believe she's in first grade. I remember when I was in high school, and I got pulled out of my Econ. class because my sister was having a kid. Then I remember that night I was in a musical "Pirates of Penzance" at Poway High School and got to tell all of my new musical friends that I was an uncle. It was really neat. But I never pictured that Ava would grow up so fast and that I'd be known as "Uncle Buncle". It's pretty awesome. As much as I love her being the little Boo, I'm so excited for her future. She's so smart and knows so much already. Plus, she's got a really big heart which is so wonderful to see in a kid. I've never seen Ava say or do anything to hurt another kid physically or hurt their feelings.
On a sadder note, depression has hit me like a ton of bricks this past week. My girlfriend has gotten on my case about getting a new job. We all know I need one. Starbucks is a joke and I am REALLY unhappy there. But I'm literally afraid of a new job. I have a fear of being in a new work place, being the new guy, and not having any friends. I know I hate my job but I also know what to expect everyday. I know how I'll feel when certain people are working and I know what parts of my job will brighten my day. But if I had a new job, I wouldn't know what to expect. And some people take risks. I've never really been good at that. I've always been afraid of failure and have mostly stuck to things that I knew I was good at. For those of you who have known me for awhile, you know my self-esteem issues. I've never liked myself that much. There's definitely things about myself that I do like (my singing, my natural athletisism), but other than that, I don't like myself very much. I've never really found myself attractive, I've never thought of myself as smart. Compared to most other people I know, I feel I am not up to their level and it makes me feel bad. So going out into the world and diving into new jobs scares me. I don't want to be rejected and feel worse. I don't know if I could handle feeling worse. Because of my beliefs, I'm pretty sure I'd never kill myself. However, I've definitely wanted to. I'm not there though! I'm not where I want to be and it makes life so unfulfilling. I cannot figure out how to get there though. I want to build the life I dreamed of for me and Danielle. She deserves it and I know I do too. I just don't know how to get there...
I hope that all 4 or 5 of you readers have a really nice couple of weeks until I write again. Take care, and follow me on twitter! twitter.com/krisjaus. Thanks for reading.
-HBK

Happiness and Hell

Hey Kristamaniacs (also known as the 3 people that might be reading this). I hope life finds you all doing well. I'm doing alright. I got to sleep in today, which I never get to do. Normally with opening at Starbucks and whatnot, I wake up between 3:30 and 4 in the morning. Today I slept til 1pm. So right now I'm feeling pretty good and energized. It's not something I feel very often.
So a few days ago I saw "In The Heights". It was an excellent musical. One of the reasons I love Broadway shows SO much is the way they make me feel. There's always a happy message and people learn things and everybody is able to express themselves in a song. It's seriously like a perfect world to live in. While I was watching the show, there was a scene where the characters were all in a club, dancing and having a good time. The scene itself didn't have anything special happening in it when I noticed it. I noticed all the lights making it look like a party. I noticed how happy everybody on stage looked. I could tell that they were feeling that feeling you can only get on the stage. They felt the joy of performing in front of a whole bunch of people, making them smile, while at the same time they were getting to just be on stage dancing with their friends. I haven't felt that feeling in a long time. But it's definitely one of the feelings I miss the most in the whole world. It's one of the feelings that make me really appreciate my life. I'm so determined to get out of Starbucks (also known as hell), and make my way into a Broadway show. Preferably a touring one because I'd really like to be able to see the country.
In other news, I've come to the realization that I'm 100% over Starbucks. It used to be like 80%. But now there is nothing that would keep me there if a truly decent job offer came along. I just detest that place with a passion. It's truly a depressing feeling to be there. It makes me so angry and I literally have to punch something. Work should be a place that makes you that angry, that regularly. F*ck it. And F*ck you Starbucks.
This is definitely not one of my longest blogs. I'm kind of antsy and need to get out of the house. And I need to eat, but I can't really find anybody to eat with. Kinda shitty. Well people, feel encouraged to leave comments or even just think good thoughts for me. I'd like that. Thanks for reading!
-HBK