Will the real Kris J please stand up

        It's been 6 years since I've written a blog so some of you reading this might not have even known me 6 years ago. The one thing I'll say is that I'm honest in my writing which tends to lead to either really long entries or maybe some oversharing. But oversharing is something I've become aware of within the last few years so I'm going to try not to do that. However, I will say that so much has changed in the last 6 years.
       I still live in Arizona but I have a completely different life than I did 6 years ago. I now live in Gilbert instead of Peoria. Gone are the days of being next to the Padres and Mariners' Spring Training Facilities. Now I'm near the Cubs, Athletics and Angels.
        I also had a brief career as a ballroom dance instructor which changed my life in more ways than I can count. I met some of the most amazing people for starters. I also learned to dance and how to teach dance. I found out how much I enjoyed teaching which might take me on my next career journey (only time will tell). There's so much about what the dance studio and my time there meant to me that I could write about, but I believe that will turn into oversharing.
        Today I want to take you on my more recent journey and my battles with depression and just what has been going on inside of me so my friends who take the time to read this will see me as more of a human instead of an amazing demigod with the smile to charm millions (joking).
       If you were to ask any of my core friends from high school if I had depression, they would tell you it's obvious. And frankly I would be in agreement. I've known that I've suffered from depression for over a decade now. But unfortunately some things really triggered it and made it worse and I could no longer keep it to myself. If affected my family and those who were close to me. Sometimes I don't want to share that I have depression. It makes people treat you differently. I've noticed it with the way people ask "How are you doing"? The people that ask me have a different tone in their voice that indicates a small amount of worry. And there's certainly nothing wrong with worrying about me. If you're somebody who has worried about me, I thank you for caring! But it's no longer just a throw away line in a conversation. People feel like they need to know how I'm really doing which is sometimes hard for me to share because rarely do I feel "good," but that's usually the answer that comes out of my mouth. My pen pals on the other hand have certainly heard answers other than "good."
        I'm quite far from good. And it's a road that I am still learning to navigate. I am seeing a psychiatrist. I'm working on making myself better. But I've never felt more alone in my life. And for those of you who reach out, that is definitely not a dig at you. I will forever appreciate all who reach out. But I still struggle with feeling alone and loneliness. If you have known me for a long time, there's no doubt you've seen my faux arrogance. Nobody can touch the "Heart Break Kid." I could pretend to look down on anybody, but with a charisma and sense of silliness that makes it charming. But inside I am broken and alone and that side is starting to show so much more these days. Whether it's my parents or my good friends, I will often hear how I'm kind, a good person, charismatic, funny, attractive, a good listener, a good communicator, talented, etc. But the sad part is I know all that. I'm aware of all my talents and what I can bring to the table. But it doesn't make me feel better. I don't know how to fix myself. All I know is that I don't want to be alone. And I know that's hard for some people. It puts a lot of pressure on those who let me get close to them. But nobody wants that kind of person in their life. Someone who doesn't want to be alone. The world wants individuals who can be individuals. And although I can be an individual, I'd much rather be part of a team. I would always rather give my love, my burdens, my joys and sorrows to someone else rather than feel all of those things by myself. But right now I am by myself. And I somehow have to learn how to deal with that for the rest of my life. Although my nickname is the Heart Break Kid, I am one heart broken kid and I've given up on the dating scene. I'm prepared to be by myself, as much as it's not how I want things to be. [That being said, please don't tell me to go on dates and meet people]. I'm not avoiding the dating scene to avoid being hurt. I'm simply done with it. My life can only head in a direction that is just for me right now.
        If you couldn't tell by now there's a lot of heart aches that I've gone through since the last time I wrote but that might just have to be a blog for another day.
       For those of you who reach out after reading this, I appreciate you. And I will always answer and be as honest as I can. But the answers I'm looking for in life are more than any of my friends seem to know how to give. I need to find a career path. I need to find happiness. And most of all, I need to find Kris. I feel like I've lost all sense of Kris. I want to be able to bring out the old, fun, Kris. I've talked to more than one friend who says I'm 100% different from who I used to be. And although there's some positives (I don't swear, drink, have mean humor,) I can tell that they also mean my zest for life, my socializing, and my charisma all got put on a shelf somewhere. And I don't know how to find that.
        I won't take another 6 years to write a blog, but if you read this all the way through, thank you. If you want to talk about my blog post, please message me privately. I wish everyone reading this the best day and every happiness.
-HBK

A Loss, A Challenge and Moving Forward

        So I'm going to try to do at least one blog post a month. I'm sure this won't happen, but maybe it will. Maybe 12 (or more times) this year you will get to see what's going on in my head and know just a little bit about my life. If you're reading this, I probably consider you a friend and hope that you enjoy reading about my life.
        So I'll start with one of the biggest changes. Danielle's dog, Phoebe, passed away on January 4th. She was 13 years old. I really have never met a better dog in my life. And that's not an exaggeration. Phoebe really was a dream dog. I met her in 2009 & ever since then, she always seemed to be really happy to see me. Maybe it's because I gave her more cookies than anybody, or maybe it's how much I enjoyed playing fetch with her. She was so good at bringing the ball back, & we really just enjoyed playing that simple game together. I liked making her happy & she did the same for me. When I'd get home from school, or softball, or work, more than likely, she would be found sleeping on the floor in our room and then when she'd hear me, she'd perk up and make sure I felt welcome at home. One of my favorite memories was as Phoebe got older, she couldn't jump on the bed because it was too high. One day she forgot & she tried and she pretty much parkoured off of the bed. It was so cute & funny to watch. Danielle & I laughed really hard. Another memory I have the I'll always cherish is when Danielle & I went to Heber with Phoebe. We stayed in Danielle's grandpa's cabin and we just got to pretend we were our own little family. We took Phoebe on a walk around the little cabin neighborhood, and on our last day there we took Phoebe on a hike. I didn't know it was going to be her last hike, and that's one of the reasons it's so special to me. We hiked this mountain area. Phoebe being an old buddy got tired, so we got to a rim where we could see a large canyon and we stopped. Obviously she was thirsty, so Danielle poured some of her water in my hands & Phoebe was drinking from my hands. I don't know why, but it was something I'll never forget. It made me so happy to have our little buddy drinking from my hands and me able to give her some pleasure in return for all of the pleasure she gave me. The week Phoebe died, she was in really bad shape. Her heart was giving out and she could barely catch her breath. Danielle and I had gone to San Diego an Danielle's mother had told us that Phoebe really wasn't doing well. I honestly wasn't sure if I was ever going to get to see her alive again. When we got home, Phoebe was barely holding on. But she waited for us. We got home and gave her all the love we could but it wasn't enough to save her. We held her by the Christmas tree and just pretended that it was Christmas one last time (Phoebe's favorite holiday). That night I said goodnight to Phoebe and I put her on the bed, laying between my legs where she has slept since I lived in Arizona. I gave her one last goodnight kiss & just kinda knew I might never get to see her alive again. I woke up about 6 in the morning and couldn't sleep. I woke up Danielle and told her I couldn't hear Phoebe's breathing, and that was it. Danielle woke up and it was true. Our little best friend went in her sleep. I'm so thankful for all the time I got to spend with that wonderful dog. I know I'll see her in heaven one day, just waiting and happy and active as she was the day that I met her. As Disney Channel star Audrey Whitby told me, dogs go to heaven because of all the pleasure they gave to us on earth. Phoebe is up there having a great time.
            In other news, this is going to be one of my hardest semesters ever. I am taking some pretty difficult classes and I'm really not looking forward to it. My 4.0 is already out the window with last semester. This semester includes Modern Drama, Intro to Technical Theatre, Tap (Dance) 1, Acting 2, Geological Disasters and Contemporary Women Authors. I'm most looking forward to tap. Dancing is something I've never really tried. And tap dancing just looks so cool. I've always seen musicals from Singin' In The Rain, to The Book of Mormon and always wished I could tap like they do. Well since I plan on a career in musical theatre, a tap class is certainly going to be good for me. The class I'm looking forward to the least is Acting 2. I've never been a fan of the teacher. Even before I worked with him in Rashomon last semester, I've not really seen eye to eye with him. I guess some of that comes from a musical that I auditioned for him that I still believe I should've been cast in. We'll see how this semester goes, but I have hard time being positive about this class. Who knows, maybe he is different as a teacher.
             I'm REALLY ready for some big change. Right now I am working at a job as a barista. You know, like Starbucks, but it's a much cooler place called Cabin Coffee. My coworkers are really cool and the customers are actually really cool. The part that bugs me is that I've already been a barista for 4 years. I need something new. I know that it's rare for a job comes along that is exactly what you want. I mean, that's what I'm going to school for. But I really wish that some job would come along that is in the field of what I wanna do. I want to learn stuff about musicals and I want to be moving forward in my life. Although school is a good step, my job makes me feel like I'm not going anywhere. Anyways, I guess that's it for now. Lemme know what ya'll think
-HBK

Always Controversial

      Hey all! How are you doing? I hope that this blog find you doing well. Today I am just kinda giving myself a break. Danielle is at work and I'm seeing a play later tonight. So I decided to write a blog. A few things are new with me. First of all, I'm SUPER busy! Weird, right? I know that's not what people expect from a barely employed person. So here's what's up. I got a role in the school play. It's called Rashomon and I play a Japanese Samurai! It opens next month so if you have any questions about it, definitely ask me and I hope you can come see me in it. I have rehearsals most days of the week and I am taking 17 credits at school. Homework is taking a toll on my social life. I don't really have one out here, but instead of doing fun things Danielle and I are just usually doing homework. Not fun. Then to add onto that, I got a call to be on a softball team! Awesome! But now my Mondays are so full, it's ridiculous. I won't get home until like after 10pm. We'll see how I feel this coming Monday when I start.
      So the reason for the title is multiple reasons. The last few blogs that I've gotten one have gotten me some heat. In fact, I actually had to delete one of them and then the last one got me some negativity too. So tired of it. People just don't understand me. Then I was reading a poem in my communications class. It was a poem I wrote about getting revenge. I can't share it here because well, maybe somebody would tell that person I got revenge. But the class loved it but I think it made some of the other students look at me very differently. Haha. Oh well. Lastly, Danielle and I had a talk last night about how much nicer I am. I don't think most people who are in my life now know how mean I used to be. Well, for those of you who knew me in high school, I just want ya to know that's not really me anymore. I follow a lot of Disney Stars on twitter and I've seen so many anti-bullying tweets. I think that is so great. Yes, I have bullied kids. And looking back, I know I was wrong, but I'm determined not to let that happen again. I fully support Disney in their efforts to stomp out bullying. Nobody should be made to feel bad just because they're different. Although the kids in my communications class may think I'm crazy, I just have to say I'm actually not as bad as everybody makes me out to be. With my blogs getting hate and people upsetting me, it's hard to not become mean and bitter too. But thanks to Disney stars messages, and a wonderful girlfriend who makes me happy, I'm a much nicer Kris and it's something I want to share. Please don't judge me before you actually know me. And I'll leave you with this "Don't ever look down on someone, unless you're helping them up."
-HBK

Back to school. Year 2!

      Hey all of you Kristamaniacs! How are you doing? I'm doing well. I am in my 2nd week of school here at Glendale Community College. It's a pretty full semester. 16 credits. So...my first week of school was SO bad it's comical. First day of school I had math and theatre make-up. Well, you may or may not know, but I'm not good at math. I did get an A last year, but it was a struggle. First day of school, my teacher starts talking about something that I completely don't understand, and then he assigned 5 different homework assignments for the first chapter. I was like "Are you kidding me? It's the 1st day of school!" .Oh, also, Danielle and I realized we made my schedule so that I'm on two campuses on Mondays and Wednesdays. Not too fun. So I just assumed the next day would be better. I was only scheduled for a communications class. Well I get to school and there is literally NO parking. Everybody wants to have classes on only Tuesday and Thursday, so the campus was packed. I was 17 minutes late to my first class because I had to park at a park that is not on the school property. It was pretty awful. Then, Danielle talked me into crashing an English 102 class so I could get that out of the way. I tried 3 classes and they were all full. I tried the 4th one and he took me, but he is a really intense teacher and kind of a dick. So we'll see what I got myself into. On Wednesday I had car troubles and I had to take my car in to get checked out and Danielle had to take me to school. Well when I get there, they cut classes early because the air conditioning went out in all the buildings and it's just too hot in AZ to go to school without AC. So they closed the whole campus and I was stuck there until 8 o'clock but not able to go into any of the buildings. So I was able to go to the public library, but it was a walk and it was probably 110 degrees outside. I felt so digusting. Thursday and Friday went by alright. Nothing terrible, but nothing too awesome. Then Saturday comes and I worked to Farmers Market for the 1st time without Danielle because she was at a school orientation. It was so slow and hot. I sold like $34 dollars worth. So lame. Then Sunday...omg Sunday pisses me off. I had to print something up for my make-up class. Well, Danielle's printer isn't working so we went over to her grandparents. They were watching Danielle's cousin's dog, Sydney. This dog apparently had a really rough life and was beaten and abandoned. Super sad if you think about it. But this dog also is f'n crazy! The few times I've seen it, it bakrs 100% of the time. Non-stop. Well this time, rather than just barking, it f*ckin' bites me! Her grandparents open the front door, Danielle walks in the house and the dog comes charging. Danielle moves out of the way and the dog just grabs hold of my leg through my jeans. I literally didn't have both feet in the door yet. Then it bites my shoe until Danielle's grandpa pulled the dog off. I was SO pissed! I've never been bitten before. Wanna here the best part? Apparently Sunday was National Dog Day. Haha. I cannot stand that dog. I don't care what sort of past life this dog had, but if it's biting relatives before they get in the door, it probably shouldn't be a pet (in my opinion).
      This week has been a lot better. I didn't know we were supposed to read for my communications class. But I got an 8 out of 10 on the quiz and I haven't even opened the book. Tuesday was a really good day. I had my classes and then my friend Kevin and I carpooled down to Phoenix to get make-up for my make-up class. While we were there, we met ALICE COOPER! He was just in there lookin at hats and stuff. It was so cool! I was pretty stoked. Then Kevin and I talked about wrestling, people from our old acting class, musicals, plays, and everything in between until Danielle got off work. It was a good day. I really needed it.
    This weekend I get to go home because I have tickets to see my 4th favorite musical, Les Miserables. I am definitely looking forward to it. And of course Danielle and I are going to stop by Disneyland. We also might get to see a few friends since it's the labor day weekend.
    Thanks for readin'! Hope to get some feedback!
-HBK

The Two Week Vacation

The second part of my summer started in the last week of June. It's what I really considered my vacation since I got to travel. I spent a week in San Diego (my home town) and then about 4 or 5 days in New York. The first part of the vacation in San Diego was really nice. Danielle's grandparents rent out a beach cottage on Pacific Beach every summer. It's a nice beach cottage, and we get to hang out with her grandparents, sister and cousins if we want, or we go out and do our own thing. It's like a real vacation. The first few days, we went boogie boarding. It was actually my first time in the ocean since I got stung by a sting-ray last year. Danielle had such a nice time in the ocean. I lived in California my whole life and I never went in the ocean half as much as I have since I started dating Danielle. I'm really glad she likes doing outdoor activities. Also while we were there we got to see a handful of friends. I saw my friend Cory who used to be a customer of mine while I worked at the worst Starbucks in the country. I also got to see my friend Cameron who has been my friend since high school, along with his wife Alanna and new baby, Nolan. I love that family. Nolan is the cutest kid, Cameron is such a good friend and Alanna is such a sweet person who has really been helping Danielle on her road to becoming a vegan. While we saw them, they made us a vegan meal and it really showed Danielle that you can have really good vegan food. Then on a different day, we went to SeaWorld with them. It was so much fun. Alanna was an employee there before Nolan came into their life. She worked with the birds. So while we were there, she was able to get us to a backstage part and me, Danielle and her sister got to pet penguins and a baby penguin! It was so neat! Penguins are actually my favorite animal, so getting to touch one was a really neat experience. After the week at the beach cottages, we drove back to Arizona for like 2 days and then we went to New York.
      Danielle and I went to New York with my dad for a wedding. The wedding was for a friend of my dad's daughter. It was definitely an interesting wedding. It was an Indian wedding. The groom rode in on a horse, much of it took place on the ground, and we had to take off our shoes and have our heads covered. The wedding was at Cornell University in a chapel called Sage Chapel. Cornell and the town of Ithaca was such a neat place. It was so green. Living in Arizona, I definitely miss the green. It was definitely a college town, but still a fun place to explore.
       After exploring the town of Ithaca, we went to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. That was mostly for me and my dad. Sadly, Danielle isn't a baseball fan, so she got nothing out of that experience. However my dad and I really liked it. I found baseball plaques for all my favorite Hall of Famers like Tony Gwynn and Rickey Henderson. There were so many artifacts, jerseys, stats, World Series rings, and just so much stuff to see in there. It was really neat to see. When I have a kid, I'd like to take them there. Possibly with my dad too so it could be a generational thing. And if you've never been to Cooperstown, it's such a cool little town. There's nothing like it near where I lived in San Diego or where I live in Arizona. I really liked the small towns in upstate New York. The buildings were built before California was even a state. We even found cemeteries while we were there. One of the cemeteries had people buried there who fought in the Revolutionary War!
      Then we went to New York City via Amtrak. It was a smooth ride and really nice to catch up on sleep during the ride. When we got there, we only had one day to hang out in the city. My dad needed to rest so he spent the majority of the day in the hotel room. Danielle and I wanted to explore. We went to Central Park and we had sketches drawn of us. The artist was really good. I really love Central Park. It's so green and peaceful, right in the middle of the city. I wish that all big cities had something similar to that. We walked on 5th Ave. and checked out FAO Schwartz and the Disney Store and I bought a new hat in Times Square. While we were on 5th Avenue, Danielle and I ran into Snoop Dogg! Yes, a few weeks before he turned into Snoop Lion. Super cool.
        By far, the best part of the trip was seeing The Book Of Mormon. The Book of Mormon is a broadway musical from the creators of South Park. Of course they would include vulgarity in their show, but they also had some of the best writing, music, and characters in the show. I can't give away anything, but it's a story of 2 Mormon missionaries who get sent to Uganda and what they deal with there, both in real life, and internally. As long as you can put up with some swearing and a little blasphemy, I truly recommend this show. I've seen MANY musicals, but this one has definitely become my favorite! The cast of the show really draws you into the characters and make you feel like you're really on a journey of new experiences while traveling to Africa with them.
      I guess that's it for now. I have been lucky enough to travel with my very limited income. If you ever get oppurtunities to go somewhere else other than your regular everyday life, do it. It is really good for the soul and gives you ambition to actually do something with your life. It's certainly one of my favorite reasons for traveling. Just to get away from real life.
-HBK

Beginning of the Summer '12

Hey all! How are you doing? As summer is winding down, I just thought I'd talk about some of the fun things I did. One of the early summer activities I did was go to the opening of Cars Land. The Cars Land opening was definitely a unique Disney experience for me. Danielle & I camped out overnight in front of the park. We got to the park around 11:30pm, while the park opened at 9am the next day. Danielle actually ended up sleeping in the car the majority of the time while I had a blanket and slept in front of the park. It wasn't as bad a you might think. Then the time came where they let us into the park. Bob Iger made a speech and really made us believe that Disney California Adventure was now a contender as a real Grade A Theme Park. Well, he's right. Disney California Adventure (or DCA as us regulars, and cast-members call it) really is a great park now that the expansion is complete. When we first got in the park, Buena Vista Street was the first thing we saw. It's reminiscent of Los Angeles in 1923 when Walt Disney Arrived. It's very close to what Hollywood Studios in Walt Disney World is like, but I really believe ours is better. But Cars Land is the biggest, and most advertised addition to the park. Walking into Cars Land was a surreal experience to me. It almost made me cry. It's something I'll never forget. When we walked into Cars Land, it really looked just like Radiator Springs from the movie Cars. Seriously, they had every single detail down. But the part I found so neat was the cast members. When we walked in, we were probably within the first 200 people inside of Cars Land. So we saw cast members, rather than attending their regular duties were just waving at us and high fiving us while we walked in. It was so cool! They were all SO proud to be there for the Cars Land opening. It was such a good feeling. You could tell their hearts were invested in the park, just the way I could imagine Walt Disney and the original cast members felt when Disneyland opened. We finished our Cars Land experience in about an hour once we got in. While all the crowds rushed to Radiator Springs Races, the E ticket attraction, we went and got fastpasses for it. Then we walked onto Luigi's Flying Tires and Mater's Junkyard Jamboree (the other two attractions). Literally no lines. But Radiator Springs Racers is where it's at! It's amazing. I don't want to ruin the surprise, but I just have to say there's something special about that ride. There's a whole part that they never show on television and it's just such a great surprise. It really makes you feel like you're part of the movie. I know this is almost an advertisement for Cars Land, but I'd really recommend you go!
      Originally I was going to write a blog about my whole summer, but this one got too long...so get ready for future blogs!
-HBK

A Need To Make a Difference

Hey Everybody. I hope you're all doing well. I don't know if you've read previous blogs of mine, but aside from updating people on my life, my other thing I blog about is simply just things that I am thinking about or have thought about for awhile. Hopefully I will have less typos this time. I have had this laptop for a year, but am still not used to the keyboard. Anyway, here we go.
      A few weeks back, I went on a vacation to San Diego with Danielle & her grandparents (with a sister & cousin there too). We stayed at the Beach Cottages in Pacific Beach. Although I lived in San Diego my whole life, I was never a beach person, so it's definitely an annual vacation that I really look forward to. We had a really nice time, but while I was there, the thing that bothered me most was two homeless people. The first one I saw was right outside the beach cottages in the parking lot. When some of us were walking to my car, I saw a homeless gentleman who was digging in the trashcans. Normally I think nothing of it. Maybe he was digging for aluminum cans to get money for. But this day was different. He pulled out a to-go box with leftover food in it. When he found it, there was such a look of excitement on his face. It was absolutely heart-breaking. I am by no means wealthy, but I can't imagine ever being in a position where a meal in a to-go box in a trash can excites me.
       The second homeless person I saw was while I was on the boardwalk. He was definitely an interesting looking person. You could tell he was homeless and probably not all there mentally. Whether he was born that way or if his mental state was a result of drugs is something I'll never know. But what made him different was that he was selling stuff. From where I was sitting, I assumed it was painted rocks. I've been on that boardwalk before and encountered people who were selling rocks with paintings of sea life, or beach scenes on them, so I figured it was nothing too new. Well...as it turns out, he was selling bread. Random, right? That's what I thought. But the way I found out he was selling bread was what made it so sad. We were sitting on the boardwalk wall and these girls who were well-off enough to be vacationing in Pacific Beach walked by and said to each other "Oh my God, he's selling bread. Can you believe that? That's disgusting! Who would buy bread from him?" That upset me inside so much. I mean, he might be intimidating or scary because he is dirty, and homeless looking, but he's trying. I cannot imagine how hard it is to be homeless and to actually try to sell bread. Who knows how he made this bread. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have eaten it just to be safe, but I wish I had cash on me to by some of his bread in front of those girls just so they could see that effort pays off and he's just trying to make his life a little better.
     Right now I'm in no position financially to help out any homeless people. Paying rent in a house while only making $40 a week at my Farmers Market job is pretty much wiping out all of my income. But I am very determined to help out people's lives that I know I can make better. Maybe financially I can't give away much, even when I'm older, but I'm definitely going to make sure I do what I can. If I'm in a touring Broadway show, as I intend to have a career doing, I would gladly give a ticket to somebody who doesn't look like they can afford it. Who knows, maybe it's been 25 years since they've seen a show. Maybe they did theatre in high school when their life was more together. They may not remember my face or know anything, but they won't forget the guy who let them see a show just to be nice. Even if they end up selling the ticket in front of the venue, it will make their life a little better and they won't forget it.
       All I know is that I want to make a difference in people's lives. I do all I can to help out my friends. I almost never turn down favors for friends if I'm actually available to do it. I know that at some point, all the favors and nice things I do for people will come back to me in a good way. Even it's just the good feeling I get from helping out somebody and making their life a little better for a little while.
     So if you take anything away from reading my blog, take a way this message: If you're fortunate enough to be reading this on a computer, you're well off enough to help somebody else or at least do something to make somebody else smile. So do it. Make somebody smile today.
-HBK